| how much things can change just in one year... |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|02:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
looking back for whatever reason i don't really know at my journal from this time last year...and i'm amazed by what i read...and ho differently i see it now, does it mean that i've grown up at all, or is it that i am just in a different place than i was this time last year?
"love is a risk...of course it is, its giving your heart away. its almost like gambling, and how far each and every person will go is different...do you bet it all, do you build up to the place where you can bet a lot, or do you bet the same amount every time you play because you are scared to lose too much?
for me, love is like playing solitaire on the computer, vegas scoring, three cards at a time...its hard to win. but you get addicted, and you keep playing and losing more and more imaginary money, until you're minus three thousand dollars or so...then you decide it might be time for you to quit, after all its only solitaire...and how much money can you possibly lose at once, and how many games have you lost anyway?
love has always been betting it all...giving it everything that i have, because i blindly believe that the "butterflies" plus effort obviously equals perfection. all cards on the table...nothing held up my sleeve, playing all my chips at once, occasionally neglecting other responsibilities for the sake of that one moment where there is a twinkle of the eyes...a skip of the heart and brush against the hand or that perfect kiss...but is it worth it?
in a way i think i've always seen life as a poker game, win or lose...and maybe life is this way...but is love? i don't think it really can be. if a relationship doesn't work out, then did we win or lose? i mean, let's be honest, in some cases its better off that its over, but then again, in some cases...we feel that we've lost something...
but where does fate come into play? is it that magical hand, the one that blows everyone's mind when it hits the table...the one where they all stand back and wonder where the hell it came from? its the automatic winner...that hand that none of the other cards can even compete with. the hand that is played with PASSION, you love it and you know it as soon as you pick it up... and you can't wait for everyone else to see what you've got.
then suddenly, all the chips are yours...and do you keep playing? no! you say, i just had the best hand of the evening, and i'm going to quit while i'm ahead. you take your winnings and you're completely happy...you settle back in your chair, grab yourself a drink, and watch your friends try to find the same satisfaction that you now possess...
in "The Allegory of Love", C.S. Lewis said...
"love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...to love at all is to be vulnerable."
he sums up all that i feel, with so much more depth and conciseness than i ever could manage..."to love at all is to be vulnerable", i agree completely with this statement. we have to open ourselves up to the possibility of fate...and that one perfect hand...where nothing can possibly go wrong...then we should get out of the game, and sit happily satisfied...afterall, the house doesn't always win...
the problem is that of unnecessary risk, the hand we know we just can't win. but we want it so badly that we just keep trying, there is something about it that we just can't let go. a hopefulness in the way that we see it, we are so sure that we can make it work, even though our friends at the table knows we're bluffing...perhaps sometimes we just have to realize it for ourselves. some hands you have to fold...you win some and you lose some...and you have let the chips fall as they may..."
...and i don't really know, perhaps i have grown up, in the past year i'm sure in a way we all have, some more than others, some of us because we had to...we didn't really have a choice. we had other choices of course, but we chose badly...and now we have to pay for what we never imagined would happend to us. some of us have other people included in our choices and decisions that we have made have forced them to grow up as well...and of course its not as we would have planned. but perhaps it is for the best...maybe we are brought closer by this...maybe we love more deeply, more fully, resting clamly in the knowledge that we will never be alone agian, and that we truely have met that one person who truely gets us...
the one person maybe only a year earlier we pegged as the "hand we just couldn't win"...is now the person that is the one true person we know we can always count on, the first person we see every morning when we wake up, the person who holds us when we're asleep, who takes care of us when we are sick, and who always looks at us with love in their eyes no matter who bad we may look...and you love them still...just as you did this same time last year...but so much more. you feel as if they are part of your soul, and to lose them you would lose yourself as well. and nothing that you have done in your entire life is deserving of love such as this...but you count yourself so grateful that you have it. so much can change in just one year. |
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| decorating for christmas... |
[Dec. 4th, 2004|04:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | somestimes you can't make it on your own- u2 | ] |
tough, you think you've got the stuff
you're telling me and anyone
you're hard enough...
you don't have to put up a fight
you don't have to always be right
let me take some of the punches
for you tonight...
listen to me now
i need to let you know
you don't have to go it alone.
and it's you when i look in the mirror
and it's you when i don't pick up the phone
sometimes you can't make it on your own
we fight all the time
you and i...that's alright
we're the same soul
i don't need...i don't need to hear you say
that if we weren't so alike
you'd like me a whole lot more
listen to me now
i need to let you know
you don't have to go it alone...
and it's you when i look in the mirror
and it's you when i don't pick up the phone
sometimes you can't make it on your own
i know that we don't talk
i'm sick of it all
can - you - hear - me – when – i -
sing, you're the reason I sing
you're the reason why the opera is in me...
where are we now?
i've got to let you know
a house still doesn't make a home
don't leave me here alone...
and it's you when i look in the mirror
and it's you that makes it hard to let go
sometimes you can't make it on your own
sometimes you can't make it...
the best you can do is to fake it
sometimes you can't make it on your own... |
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| where do you begin to look when you've lost yourself? |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|08:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | you belong among the wildflowers-tom petty | ] |
i feel like for the past...i really don't know how long...i've been in this slow process of completely losing touch with the person i know to be myself. i know i still had it in the summer, but i don't know at what point it disappeared and i morphed in to some jackass that spends all my spare time sitting on my ass watching tv. so i realized a couple days ago that i'm completely bored with myself.
depressed or something lately maybe, guess i've missed my family a lot...i don't know, i guess i thought moving out would uncomplicate my life and everyone would end up happy...but i don't really know if thats what happened...i don't even know if i'm happy. but thats just something to get over i guess, not happy...then go find happy. but where to look?
do i look in the same place as i would look for myself? i went hiking today up in catawba on the appalachian trail...shocked to realize i missed fall...the trees were mostly bare, leaves covering the ground. how did i miss that? thats right sitting on my ass watching tv instead of living. so i'm pretty sure it about that time, time to get on with life and maybe i'll figure out where to find myself...and maybe when i do i'll find happy again. i felt a little closer today...but i think there's a long way to go. |
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| and in this moment i understand... |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mentally drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hey jude- the beatles | ] |
it was once said, "today i begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. when we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. we are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. that is what i imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence."
this is only partly true. every day when we wake up...we make a decision. we decide to love this person no matter what they may say or do. love is everfaithful, steady, and unchanging. love is a thousand little things that add up to a feeling of security and warmth and the knowledge that you can be completely and honestly yourself. love isn't doubtful. love doesn't seek imperfections...but instead it trusts, and constantly searches for the good.
and in a way it is incompleteness...but at the same time, it it total completeness. like you've found a missing piece of yourself, and that if you lost your love...in a way you would lose a part of yourself that no one else could ever replace. but does true love encompass absence? perhaps it does on a physical level...but love is never being alone, even when you are alone, because part of that person is always with you.
and even though everything seems to be going wrong...my love is still there. and i don't think i really realized until today exactly how lucky i am that everytime i start to fall i turn around and he's always standing behind me and i know he'll catch me if i start to slip...its comforting, and it makes all the other bad not seem so horrible. and i think i'm starting to believe that he really will always be there... |
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| waiting for my leaves to fall...then wishing for spring. |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|06:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grumpy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | simpsons | ] |
i love fall, i like summer and i like winter, i like swimming and going to the lake and i like snow and going skiing...but fall is my favorite time of the year. when the days start to get shorter, and the night start to get colder, and the leaves change and fall off the trees, and people make fires that smell so warm and comforting...fall makes me want to eat mashed potatoes and watch football and pull all the blankets outta the closet and stay in bed on the weekends and cuddle to keep warm...but my favorite part is the leaves...
theres this one tree in my parents front yard and every year it turns this beautiful red color, and it has these little gummy berrys that fall off and get everywhere...but its always red. so today i was feelin a little down and a lot lonely...so i drove by my house, knew i couldn't go in or anything but i just felt like i would feel a little better if i saw it, the comfort of home i guess...so i drove up the street and i was shocked to see that this tree that always turned this beautiful red...this year has turned a goldenish brownish color...its not very pretty this year. so i decided i'd go up to the parkway and drive around, and i noticed the same thing...all the leaves even though they are still pretty are not as pretty this year as some. theres a lot of yellow and not too much red...
and i guess it made me think it doesn't really matter...cause in a month, the trees won't have any leaves, then they will be covered in snow and ice for winter...but in the spring they will all get their leaves back...and next summer everything will be green and beautiful...and maybe next fall that tree will turn red again...
i think its a lot that way with me right now...nothing seems to be going the right way...but that doesn't mean that it stops going, everything goes on, and the only thing to do it go along with it...and wait. and maybe it'll be a long winter, but soon spring is gonna come out...and maybe next fall i won't remember this one, cause i'll be so happy with things then, and maybe next fall that tree will be so red and beautiful that it won't remember that this year it had ugly leaves... |
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| tinkerbell at longwood this weekend... |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|08:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | fixin to make dinner... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | *king of the hill halloween* | ] |
so, while i was originally planning on staying home for halloween and handing out candy to little kids, i have decided that in fact i am not old yet...and in the spirit of my youth, i have made myself a costume and am traveling to celebrate pagan holidays college style this weekend...and i can't wait. afterall there are only so many years left to run around a college campus drinking wild turkey in nearly no clothes (with a wand), looking gay as shit...why not make the most of it? so here's to girls night tomorrow with two of my favorites...IT'LL BE ST. PATTYS ALL OVER AGAIN...except halloween this time. and then tinkerbell and my sweetheart on saturday, and spending sunday in bed watching football and recovering from the hangover i hope i'll have. cheers to college...i'm a dumbass for leaving...real life isn't so hot kiddies...stay in college forever. |
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| gettin a lil excited about tomorrow! |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | surprisingly cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | break from video games... | ] |
just a little note to say, that this time tomorrow...we're all gonna be at incubus...and if you aren't there, then you just aren't cool, well not really...maybe...(wink) anyways, i'm really getting really really excited that i get to see everybody tomorrow...and especially my hunney. and while i'm around since i've happened to be sort of a snappy bitch lately (i'm sorry haley), i just wanted to tell ya'll that i'm just a little stressed out, and i've got a lot of stuff goin on with work and stuff...so if i snap at you or i just don't wanna deal with you, i'm really sorry...its not you, i promise.
i'm home alone tonight.
full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
i think i was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
possible...with you.
so i call you on the tin can phone.
we rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
i may have found a way for you and i to finally fly free.
when we get there, we're gonna go far away.
making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
for years, i kept to myself.
now potentialities are bound, and sleeping under my shelf.
simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,
and we'll be there.
so i call you on the tin can phone.
we rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
i may have found the way for you and i to finally be free... |
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| amazing how everything can change in a moment... |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|09:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | watchin tv. | ] |
so i got to see everybody last weekend for oktoberfest, which was fun (for the most part)...but i mostly got to spend a lotta time with my hunney, and it was really nice to be alone again, and talk a lot...helped me remember that he really is my best friend. and now i'm back in roanoke, back to the same old thing every day...but i'm looking forward to everybody coming down thursday for the concert and i'll be able to see everyone in my own place...sigh, but i'm sleepy and i wanna snuggle in my warm bed. glad i got to see all ya'll last weekend. |
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| ...the funnest part is the not knowing what's next... |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|02:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired and sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | watching blow and about to take a nap | ] |
everybody's lives are full of ups and downs...twists and turns and consistent change. this is a fact of life that always used to irritate me...the fluctuation of good and bad...how you can be up one moment and down the next. but isn't that what makes is interesting? we wouldn't appreciate the ups with out the downs. we would appreciate good times without bad times, and if people never fought then there would be no making up. there is always the thrill of thinking things can never get any better and somehow they do...but you've gotta take the good with the bad...and when you're down always remember it might get worse before it gets better...but pretty soon it'll be good enough that you'll forget it was ever bad. the never knowing what is next is the funnest part and if you're always lookin out for the next thing you'll miss it. |
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| its that time of year again... |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | its georgous outside | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sunday afternoon | ] |
the time of year when the leaves change colors and fall to the ground, and where the air smells fresh and crisp (even in the city)...where the sweaters start coming out of the closet, and if you LOVE to sleep with the windows open you have to pull extra blankets out of the closet...and every saturday through monday you get the opportunity to bet on football and hustle the old men you work with. i love fall.
so here it is...nfl week two...
(already know i won some on college ball yesterday)
kansas city, jacksonville, indianapolis, san fran, washington, green bay, detroit, baltimore, st. louis, tampa, dallas, ny (jets), oakland, new england, cincinnati.
monday night: minnesota, 44 pts. |
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| 20 things i've learned since i moved... |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|01:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | college football | ] |
1. eat green vegetables.
2. its ok to drink beer on your lunch break as long as your boss is buying.
3. watching tv for more than 5 hours a day isn't really that bad, if it keeps you from spending money.
4. going to o'charleys and paying $7 for a sandwich and $6.50 for two beers means you should be home watching tv.
5. even people that you think are your friends are going to talk about you behind your back...especially if you've gained weight and you deserve it.
6. always keep long handled objects near by in case you are forced to kill spiders by yourself.
7. make friends with your neighbors in case you need them to help kill spiders.
8. there isn't much that can't be fixed with duct tape, unfortunately, bridesmaid dresses are one of those few things.
9. when people come to visit, hide the toilet paper.
10. before your boyfriend comes to visit, scope out the neighbors and make sure that none of them are attractive asian women.
11. always keep enough alcohol in stock so that if you run out of money mid week, you have enough to last you till friday.
12. even people that you trust will get drunk and hit on your boyfriend, but only true friends will take pictures of it and send them to you.
13. putting scales in your kitchen still doesn't make you not want to eat...but it does make you feel like shit about yourself.
14. hide your bourbon, if you don't it could get hidden from you.
15. the bank hates you...don't expect anything from them.
16. misery loves company, and chances are if you are lonely...then get used to it and buy more beer.
17. people are always your friends when they want shit from you.
18. its good to trust people, but its bad to depend on them.
19. as many times as you clean your kitchen, it always gets dirty again its a sick never ending cycle.
20. when the peephole in the front door is too tall for you to see out of, its always a good idea to answer the door fully clothed, even if you think you know who is on the other side. |
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| to adella: |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|06:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad and about drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stand inside your love-smashing pumpkins | ] |
i wish that i could easily explain to you how i feel...but here and now trying to put it into words, i'm finding that i don't even know. i'm sitting here, in a new apartment, with a good job, attempting to pay my way through life because the free part is over. most of my friends here are either away at school, they go to roanoke college but are busy a lot of the time...or they are in farmville. my parents don't ever call me and 75 percent of the people i work with are way older than me. i'm alone, adella. in my entire life i have never felt so alone...but amazing.
but i wouldn't change it for anything in the world. i finally can do it myself, say fuck it to everyone else and do it alone, and for starting out on my own...i've really lucked out. but all that aside and getting to the point...i've been in farmville twice...i miss you a lot. and i don't want you to take this the wrong way at all. but in a way, it hurts to see ya'll. its like i'm trying so hard to love everything about whats going on in my life right now...but when i see ya'll i get so confused and a big part of me wishes i was there...
and then i've seen people i haven't seen in a while, and then there is always the conversation about why i'm not there...and i have to explain myself. then they're are the people i used to care about...who don't even make an effort to see me, even though they know i'm not there. and i don't wanna admit it, but it hurts to be there. it brings back bad memories and it leaves a burdened feeling inside me.
if it were an option i would never set a foot near longwood ever again...but it isn't...cause when i left this weekend...i left my heart in farmville...with you and hayhay, and mac and slavo and them, and jewish sean and tory...and all the happy memories i have with ya'll...
and now we get to it...i left my heart in farmville...a lot with you and
hayhay, and some with all those other people. but yes, mostly with jeremy. this also is something that i wish i could explain to you...but again i find myself lacking the appropriate words. so i'll tell you what is in my heart instead of something my head tries to make up.
i know that we all have a past...and i know that sometimes he can be a difficult person to get along with. but he is my heart. i don't know why...and i don't really even know how it ended up that way...but that is the way it is. but also, he is my best friend. he's the person i've told things to that i wouldn't even dream of telling anyone else...and he probably knows me better than most other people in my life right now do. i love him right now, and i have for a long time, and honestly i probably will for the rest of my life whether we are together or not.
and i know that in a lot of ways this is hard to understand. 'cause i know what you have seen in the past, i know i've cried, words have been exchanged, names called, slaps here and there, drunk arguments, and brokeness...broken hands, broken glass, and broken hearts. but i know no other way to explain to you other than to say. i may have loved him for a long time, but i wasn't ever in love with him until i saw who he was away from longwood. and i believe that if you saw that, you would understand.
all this to say. (and i hope you aren't mad cause i'm telling you all of this straight from my heart)...i love you like a sister and i miss you a lot. but its something about being there that i can't explain, it makes me feel twice as lonely when i come home...seeing ya'll makes me miss you twice as much. but i don't want our friendship to change because i'm not there...and i'm sorry that i didn't put in the effort to see you this weekend. i hope this helps you understand.
all my love,
pk |
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| won't get fooled again... |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired and content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the simpsons | ] |
its been a while since i've updated this...and i guess a lot has happened since then. i finally moved last wednesday and thursday into my apartment and i love living by myself. i've been working a lot lately which is good, since i have a pretty decent job. and i got to spend my first weekend in my apartment with my honey, in fact since i was only here for two days alone before he was here, its almost weird being here without him. but its nice and quiet here, and it rained all day (and flooded half of roanoke) so i'm sitting next to my little patio, with the door open and it smells like rain...and its about time to make myself something for dinner...like salad since i ate bad food all weekend and drank too much beer.
i guess i've been thinking a lot lately about trust, especially driving home last night from farmville, since i was almost falling asleep (had to say awake somehow). so, can it ever be too late to trust someone you love? if you've been fooled once...that can't be helped...but what does it say about you if you put yourself right back in the same situation to get it again. however, you can't go through life not trusting people because they've hurt you in the past. especially in cases where there is such an obvious change in the person. so i think i finally decided last night that the best course of action is to forget the past and forget the old person...and trust the new one.
there really is no other option...its stupid to keep tearing open old wounds with the one person who has finally helped me find content...the elusive and ever hard to capture contentment. i guess i'm happy. and i'm not feeling weird about not being back in farmville this semester. after being up there the other day, it brought back this feeling of just being ill at ease...and i know now that i made the right choice. i just wish everyone wasn't so far away. especially my honey, since i wish he was always around.
anyways...it was good to see everybody. hayhay, mac, and adella especially.
i really miss ya'll. but i'm sure i'll be up to visit pretty soon... |
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| cheers to the beginning of another semester. |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|11:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | half watchin sixteen candles for the 3000th time... | ] |
so, everyone is back at school...all unpacking and stocking up the mini-fridges with beer, because its the beginning of the semester and there is still money. everyone is buying books and getting new pencils and getting ready for what would've been my senior year of college...everyone has been reunited this weekend with friends from last year and then years before, boyfriends and girlfriend back together for another year of fighting too much, bad dining hall food, and going to class with the worse hangovers imaginable. and i wish i was back there...
and i'm sitting at home, getting ready to go to sleep...after a decently drunk weekend of packing up my things, hanging out with my friends, and painting my furniture. and i'm wishing like hell that i didn't have a job, that i had no responsibilities, that i hadn't signed a lease, and have bills every month...and that instead i could just go back to the school i can't stand...to be with my favorite people in the whole world.
but i can't, i can get up at 6 am and go for a run, then work for 8 hours and come home for two more days until i don't even have my home to come home to. two more days until my whole life shifts forever...because once i've left there is no going back...and i'm so excited...but so scared at the same time. i feel so loved...but so alone. to all my friends...hope your year is wonderful. i'll be up there to visit a lot this semester to see ya'll and to see my honey...and i hope everyone takes care. |
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| empty beer cans under my carseat... |
[Aug. 18th, 2004|08:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my name is jonas-weezer | ] |
lately my life has seemed as empty as the beer cans that keep rolling out from under my passenger side carseat...if only most things made me smile as much as those stupid empty cans...if every little thing could remind me to take the good with the bad. i can't shake the feeling of being trapped in my life, the only escape being to get out of town...and sometimes feeling almost as if all the air has been choked out of me and i'm drowning inside.
and i can't think of a solution besides just leaving the city when i get this way...two county's this way...one state over...or just outside the city limits...just seems like i can't breathe until i get to the simple places, two lane roads...no tall buildings, no traffic...out where the air smells better, where its quieter, where out can actually see the stars at night...last week i drove up through the mountains into craig county just to get to a place where all i saw were mountains.
makes me wonder if one day i can leave the office, and the cell phone, and the deadlines, and my stapler...and all the petty things behind and finally buy that land out in the country that i used to dream about...and build that house that i can see in my head...but i can't ever seem to draw right. or is it that its an escape from whatever is frustrating me at the moment...and the solution always seems to just go out where i'm away, where the cell phone signal doesn't reach...where everything is so much more beautiful.
and if i ever got that perfect plot of land i can see when i close my eyes, in the mountains, with rolling hills and one perfect tree in the middle of a field with a tire swing on it, where the sunrises would be worth getting up for, and the sunsets would be just as beautiful, and just after dusk it would get a little misty looking up through the hills...and i could build that house i can only do justice to in my head...would it truly satisfy, or would i start yearning for the next thing...would it be as simple as it feels it would be...or would i complicate it...would it be true happiness...i think it would.
i want to live life, and never be cruel
i wanna live life, and be good to you
and i wanna fly...i'll never come down
and live my life and have friends around
we never change do we no, no
we never learn do we
so i wanna live, in a wooden house
i wanna live life, and always be true
i wanna live life, and be good to you...
...and i wanna keep thinking that one day there is that perfect plot of land waiting on me to find it...and one day i'll finally get that house out of my head and onto a paper...and i'll keep looking forward to long drives in the country, where the cell phone signals don't go...and where the air smells like trees and cow poop...and i'll keep looking forward to finding those empty beer cans under my car seat... |
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| got that feelin again...gotta get outta town... |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|04:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | carolina in my mind- james taylor | ] |
woke up this mornin with that feeling again...like i'm suffocating inside myself...and i've just gotta get out of town. its cloudy out, looks like rain...and it feels like rain and restlessness. i think its bout time to throw some stuff in the car and start driving...think i'll go up to catabwa and hike the rest of the afternoon...just need to get out of the town and out of the traffic and contractors tearing the shit out of the mountainside out my office window...and all the other city bullshit. and i'm so frustrated with myself about school i know i need to finish and get my degree...i just shoulda stayed for another year, and i have this pressing feeling that i'm never gonna achieve the success i want in life without that degree, but then sometimes i just don't see how it matters as long as i'm happy...but what the hell is happy?...so frustrated with everything...i just need to get out, so i can think about how trivial everything is, i just can't seem to see it until i'm gone... |
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| and just play dumb what ever you know... |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|07:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | working | ] |
| [ | music |
| | you wreck me-tom petty | ] |
i've had this huge revelation (which probably wouldn't seem like much of revelation to anyone else)...i'm one of the most impatient people in the entire world. to me a week is a month, and a month is a year...and an year is beyond my comprehension. so if i want something and it doesn't happen...then somewhere between three days and three weeks...i either make it happen or i give up. but sometimes this absolutely amazing thing happens when i'm about ready to give up...and maybe its the flaw of being a total optimist...maybe sometimes i fool myself into believing things are a certain way when everything is pointing a different direction. but sometimes, its almost like there are these little signs, maybe after i think...oh well...guess thats not gonna happen, its like something happens really slight, like i'll be driving around and see something and its like this little ray of hope...and its saying don't give up just yet...somethings gonna happen...and nine times out of ten it does. |
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| i know where i am, but somehow i'm lost... |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grumpy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tired with the tv on... | ] |
i could write all these wonderful heart wenching things about love, and how wonderful and perfect it is...but it isn't...love is harsh, and lonely, and vulnerable. except in the moments that make it worthwhile, indescribable moments where nothing else exists outside...just the inside. this kind of love makes you doubt if you have ever loved before...and it leaves you open and bare...where you could so easily be torn apart, except you keep trusting...even when you shouldn't. and love is true loneliness...because if you hadn't know what is was like, then you wouldn't miss it when it goes away...but it never really goes away..."what love must be, if it exists...when we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves, we are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost, that is what i imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence." but above all...love is when you want happiness for the person you love over and above your own happiness...selflessness...so where is it when its so easy, its only a phone call away... |
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| consumed. |
[Aug. 5th, 2004|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | it ain't me babe-bob dylan | ] |
away now from my window
leave at your own chosen speed,
i'm not the one you want babe...
i'm not the one you need.
you say you're lookin for someone
who's never weak but always strong...
but it ain't me babe...
so i started my new job this morning, and i think that it will be really good, once i finally understand all about symbols and maps and billing invoices...but i have a nice big comfortable chair and i can look out the window and see up the mountain (which was really beautiful today cause it was raining out so everything was misty)...and i can work pretty much all the overtime i want to, come and go relatively at will and the people i work with are pretty nice. so...i'm hoping it'll be good.
and i think i found the perfect apartment in old southwest county in the grandin court area...a cute little house that was renovated into apartments, and has hardwood floors (sigh) and i'm hoping for a ceiling fan in my bedroom and a fireplace...but we'll see i guess. and its in a very nice neighborhood where i could run and ride around the blocks and feel totally safe. and its five minutes from my work and five minutes from 81 and five minutes from salem, which is nice since i'll be spending lots of time with my roanoke college girls this year.
such a big change in emotion from just 48 hours ago, when i was in the midst of a near panic attack. just keeps going to show me that everything and nothing always all works out. maybe not at the exact moment when i happen to get upset about it...but never really seems like too long. so, soon everything will be different, real life...and being alone and in love at a distance. which worries me with all the changing and the going back to school...and me not being there...worried i guess that i won't be enough from far away...worried i'll lose the best thing i've had as long as i can remember...shouldn't be something to worry about.
whatever happens in life happens...and none of that for a fucking reason shit...it happens because either we fucked it up, or it was just time...not for a better good later on.
tomorrow i'm going to write down everything that i'm worried about, everything that stresses me out, everything that i think too much about, everything trivial and stupid and everything that doesn't matter. and saturday when i go hiking i'm gonna take it with me, and i'm gonna throw all those stupid little pieces of paper off the top of the mountain...and i'm gonna make myself forget about it all...nothing matters past this very moment except having the rent money in the bank. past that every moment should be new and reckless...
i don't know what i am talking about anymore. |
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| "...do not speak as loud as my heart" |
[Aug. 4th, 2004|10:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | coldplay | ] |
come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are.
i had to find you, tell you i need you,
tell you i set you apart.
tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,
oh, let's go back to the start.
runnin' in circles,
comin' up tails,
heads are a science apart...
nobody said it was easy,
it's such a shame for us to part.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be this hard.
oh, take me back to the start.
i was just guessing, at numbers and figures,
pulling your puzzles apart.
questions of science, science and progress,
do not speak as loud as my heart.
tell me you love me, come back and hold me,
oh, when i rush to the start.
runnin' in circles,
chasin' tails,
comin' back as we are.
nobody said it was easy,
oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be so hard.
i'm goin' back to the start.
feel like i'm forever running in cirles...never catching my tail, so i guess its time to walk away with my tail between my legs instead...never having caught it. moving out of the only house i really ever remember living in...time to start real life, 8-5 life...then coming home to an empty apartment every night when i get off work. life would be so much easier to understand if i were one of those people who honestly believed that everything happens for a reason...i've said before that i do...but its easy to feel it when everythings going your way. guess its all just a random sequence of ups and downs, heads and tails...and when you're down it never feels like you'll get back up...and when you're up you want it to last forever, but nothing ever does...not even family. so time to get up and go forward...always rememebering it does no good to look back. |
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